i got up sort of early this morning and headed out to kohl's, where i treated myself to a 1/4 carat pair of diamond earrings ($30!!!!), a new handbag, and a few other minor things. basically today was me christmas shopping for me. i spent way more than i intended but i think i'm good, money wise. i got a new coat at old navy ($39 for a $100 coat!) and a new wallet for $4! i love it when stuff like that happens. i'm pretty much finished christmas shopping anyway....got a few minor things left to get for friends but it's all good. i needed to just veg out and take care of myself today.
today was the last shopping i will be doing in a very long time. i looked at my finances when i got home and oof! money is gonna be seriously tight until after my surgery. 3 months....i've survived on less for longer. as long as i'm smart with my money, i'll be just fine. i've got a plane ticket to pay for for angela, a rental car to pay for when i go home in february, and boarding for cora while i'm gone and for the first week after my surgery.
i'm really starting to look at things and decide what needs to be done and what's going to happen. the more i think about it, the more my stomach knots up and my throat starts to close. i'm anxious and scared and i just wish the next 3 months would fly by. i want christmas to be over so i don't have to worry about gifts and money and presents and all that shit. i wonder what my family and friends would say if i took all the presents back and said that this year, i'm sending my love and good karma. christmas is supposed to be about that anyway and not gifts. it's supposed to be about friends and family and love and devotion and hope and happiness and peace. i could use some of that right now....
- Mood:
anxious
i love my friends and i love cards. so.....if you would like to get a christmas card from me, please comment with your address (i've screened the comments).
Please copy the topics below, erase my answers and put yours in their place, and then post it in your journal! Please elaborate on the questions that would benefit from elaboration. One-Word-Answers seldom help anyone out.
1. First Name: donna. thankfully my dad stepped in when it was time to put a name down on my birth certificate since my mom wanted to name me amy. i'm not against the name amy - i just know so many girls named amy! i don't know many donnas so that makes me feel a little more....special
2. Age: I'm 33. I honestly don't feel 33. I feel younger now than I did when i was 23. i'm definitely happier now and healthier - i guess both have alot to do with it.
3. Location: Sebastopol, CA - about 45 miles north of San Francisco in "wine country". I grew up in Sullivan, IL and have been here in California 7 1/2 years. I'm not quite sure if I'll spend the rest of my life here but for now it's okay. I think about going back east sometimes but I love it here.
4. Occupation: 911 dispatcher for a Sheriff's Department. I've been in law enforcement for 13 years and most days love what I do. I've seen the best and worst of people, usually the worst. I'm extremely jaded and becoming increasingly pessimistic about the human race. I love the deputies I work with but not so much my immediate co-workers. Women are hateful, spiteful, cruel creatures.
5. Partner?: Not really. I am dating someone but it's nowhere near what I would call serious. I was once married and divorced almost 4 years ago. I had a boy, called "the boy" in past blogs, and we were together off and on for a long time. I recently broke it off for various reasons but it makes my heart hurt to think about him. I still love him very much and can't help but hold out a little hope that he will do what he needs to do so we can get back together. But....in the meantime, I date. I date someone who is nothing like the boy except for his love of food and cooking. I know right now that it will not last.
6. Kids: None and I won't be having any (biologically, anyway). It's a long story filled with two miscarriages, massive weight gain, massive weight loss, and the probability that my body could not handle the stress of carrying a child. If I seem a little callous about it - it's only because I know it won't happen and I'm working hard to get accustomed to that.
7. Brothers/Sisters: I have two older sisters, both of whom still live in Illinois - within 30 minutes of my parents. While I love them alot, half the time I want to strangle one or both of them. We were raised by the same parents and in the same way but somewhere along the way, I turned out differently. Both of my sisters are lazy and they complain about everything they DON'T have. My oldest sister is 14 years older than me and we don't have much in common at all. She thinks i should still be 5 years old and she can't reconcile herself with the person i am now. she thinks i'm a bitch who thinks i'm better than everyone else. my other sister is 5 years older than i am. we grew up sharing a room and fighting for our parents' affection. she won my mom's love and i'm a total daddy's girl. she resents me for lots of things that i have no control over. i just wish she would grow up and take responsibility for her life. it's a soap opera - there's no way around it!
8. Pets: I have one dog, Cora, and one cat, Gaby. I used to have two cats but my beloved kitty Oatmeal died in August. So now it's just us three girls hanging out here at the house. Both pets sleep with me every night and try to push me out of my bed. My friends call Cora special as in "i need a helmet so i don't hurt myself when i walk down the street". i say she's just easily excited and easily distracted - like me!
9. List 3-5 biggest things going on in your life right now:
1. I'm in the slow process of changing careers. I switched majors in college from Psychology to Nutrition and am on the long road to becoming a registered dietician. This is being setback even further due to.....
2. My upcoming surgery on February 25th. I'm having a circumferential abdominoplasty because I've lost 275 pounds in the last 2 1/2 - 3 years. I'm terrified and will continue to document everything before, during, and after the surgery.
3. Maintaining my weight loss. This is going to be a constant, life-long struggle. I have major issues with food and self-esteem and I am working hard to resolve those. It's just something that doesn't happen overnight.
4. Work. Work is always going to be a huge and stressful part of my life. I work at least 45-50 hours each week and am hoping to slow it down after the first of the year.
10. Parents: My parents, Joe and Linda, are both in their early 70s. My daddy was diagnosed with Alzheimers' last year and colon cancer just a few months ago. He is currently refusing treatment for both and I am doing everything I can to face the fact that he is ready to die. I am just not ready to let him go - he is my hero, my major source of strength, and one of my very best friends. My mom is wheelchair bound and has been for about 4 years now. She struggles with diabetes and has major kidney problems. We are facing the inevitability of dialysis and kidney failure. She refuses to let me get tested to see if i could give her a kidney. So it would seem that i will more than likely be an orphan in the next 5-10 years. i'm not ready.
11. Who are some of your closest friends?:
- My very best friend, Angela, has been my best friend for over 20 years. She still lives in Illinois and I don't get to see her as much as I'd like. She will be taking care of my after my surgery. We have the kind of friendship where you don't have to speak to communicate.
- Richard, or "number two" as he is referred to here in my blog. He makes me laugh, lets me cry and keeps me sane. I love him
- Sam, who listens and never hesitates to throw in his 2 cents. He likes to make me laugh by telling me sex jokes. It usually works.
- Brandi, who is a constant source of inspiration and hope. She helps me keep things in perspective and shares my immense love of all things lush and philosophy!
- There are so many other people out there who influence me and help me see things through. Some of you I have never met face to face but I still consider you my friends - you guys are awesome!
Just to make things more interesting: got a question for me? Something you've always wondered, or always wanted to know about me? Or just a random question about anything in my life? ASK IT!
- Mood:
creative
had a dream last night that i had my surgery. i literally had just gotten the surgery and can vividly remember the scar that ran across my stomach area. but what's weird is it wasn't the same surgery i'm actually having. it was a straight abdominoplasty so i still had loose skin on my sides and back. and my stomach was still a little flabby. and i hadn't really gone down a size. but i had lots of pain and a giant red, angry scar on my body. i woke up in physical pain and am more than a little freaked out today. this is the second dream i've had in the last three weeks that involved pain and something going wrong with my body. the first dream was a little worse...
i actually had the first dream right after my brother-in-law died (around the 27th of october). that was the day that i made all the arrangements with my retirement company to take out the loan that will pay for my surgery. so, when all that was finalized it really made me think "this is it". this is everything i've been waiting for, the last step blah, blah, blah. and then it hit me. although i have been very vocal about not wanting to have children of my own, the possibility (however slim due to my medical history and what my gyno says) was still there. granted, it's a very remote possibility but a possibility nonetheless. after i have this surgery, any chance i have of physically carrying a child of my own is gone. out the window. bye-bye. fin.
why you ask? because when i have this surgery, my doctor is also repairing the fascia in my abdominal wall. she is sewing it tighter together to bring my abdominal muscles closer together. she is doing this with a permanent stitch that cannot be stretched out without a great amount of pain. when i had my consult with her, we talked about me having children and i told her i didn't want children. that's when she made the decision to do this. i still don't want children of my own for many reasons (being totally selfish and not good mother material being two of them) but now that that decision is being taken away from me, it's kinda hard to take. i've been dealing with it over the last few weeks and have made peace with it but three weeks ago i felt horrible about it. i know there are many ways for me to have my own children - surrogate mothers, adoption. i also know that if i ever become a mother, i will adopt a child. anyway...
the night after making plans to get the money, i had a horrible dream. i dreamed that the (ex)boy and i were running through a dark building trying to get away from something. he was holding my hand and leading me because i kept getting weaker and weaker. when we finally came out at the top of a stairwell, he turned and looked at me and said "oh my god". i looked down and saw the long white nightgown i was wearing was soaked in blood from the waist down. i looked up at him and just crumpled to the ground. ironically (and TMI), when i woke up i had started. and was in horrible pain.
so that's the biggest thing i've been dealing with in regard to this surgery. i will not lie and say that i'm prepared and that i'm ready. i'm scared. i'm scared that the surgery won't fix what it's supposed to fix. i'm scared that instead of losing 30 pounds of skin, i will only lose 5. i'm scared that i will not go down a pants size or two, even though my doctor says i will. i'm scared she will do the surgery wrong, even though she is a world-class plastic surgeon.
some days i sit on my bed after i've gotten out of the shower and before i get dressed and i just grab my stomach and wish it would go away. i scream obscenities at it and cry alot. other days i wrap my arms around myself and wish i could keep it forever. it's the last thing that keeps the skinny me on the inside. it's my final barrier keeping me from being the person the world sees. it's the final link to the old me.
- Mood:
weird
money is really tight right now and not going pretty much saved me financially. plus my sister just tested positive for the swine flu. i so DO NOT need that right now! i'm trying so hard to not get sick. i'm taking vitamin c and zinc and all kinds of vitamins just to keep my immune system up.
as for my surgery, i'm slowly starting to put things in order. i'm making a list of everything i want to do before surgery and everything i want to get. if you guys know of anything or anyone who might be able to help let me know!
- Mood:
blank
i've kind of screwed up my plan to post something every single day by not posting something for the last few days....and i don't even had a good reason!
i'm supposed to be leaving for illinois tomorrow morning but i woke up really early this morning nauseous and with a snot-filled nose. the flu has been going around work and, try as i have been to avoid it, it looks like it landed on my face. BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!! i haven't been feeling quite right the last couple days and i guess if i don't feel better throughout today i'm going to have to cancel my trip. there's no way i'd be able to get on an airplane and ride for 4 hours feeling this way.
- Mood:
worried
this doesn't mean i'm scared. doesn't mean i'm nervous or panicky or any of those things. it does mean that i'm ready to be the size i am under all of this loose skin.
- Mood:
annoyed
sorry. couldn't help myself :) *ahem*
my life changes yet *again* on february 25, 2010 when i will undergo the final step in my weight loss journey......i will be having a circumferential abdominoplasty to rid my body of the excess skin. the surgery takes about 6 hours and my doctor will cut me all the way around. i will have incisions starting in the middle of my back, down to the top of my buttcrack and all the way around my pubic region. she will tighten the fascia between my abdominal muscles and i will lose anywhere between 30-40 pounds of skin. i'm excited, nervous, terrified, and nauseous all at the same time. i will be off work for 5-6 weeks and am blessed enough to have a best friend who is going to fly out and be my primary caregiver. at the request of some friends and family, i have set up a wish list on amazon.com of things i need and/or want to help me recover. if you're interested (and i'm not asking for gifts here people!), it's under my name - donna williamson. it's also under the email address meador7@hotmail.com.
so there it is....the big news. probably a big letdown for all y'all. but it's a huge, life-changing, terrifying event for me. it's the biggest thing that's ever happened in my life....so far. now that it's out in the open, i will be writing more and more about it in the months ahead. my fears, my hopes, my disappointments (i had to let go of one pretty big dream in order to have this surgery and i'm still struggling with it). i'm glad to have you guys with me - and if you know anyone who is either interested in having this surgery, has had this surgery, is anywhere along the path of weight loss and thinks they might have to have this surgery? send them my way. let's blog it up people! i'll friend anyone, anywhere! i want to be as open and honest with all my friends as i can be....because, after all, isn't that what friends are for?!?!?!?!?!?!
i'd write more but i have to get ready for work now....i'll try to right more at work today.
love you guys!
- Mood: scared
but.....this is a pretty important post to me because it's directly related to weight issues. We dealt with the death of a 60-year old woman on Saturday - not exactly unusual except that she weighed over 730 pounds. She died in the hospital Saturday evening but I didn't hear about the call until Sunday afternoon when the hospital started calling because they weren't sure what to do with the body. It seems that her body was too big to fit in the cooler at the hospital's morgue so they had to wheel the body to the coldest part of the morgue and cover it with the cooling blankets used for burn victims.
i talked to the detective who was on duty sunday evening and was shocked to find out that none of the morturaries around here have the equipment necessary to deal with someone who weighs that much. one morturary can handle a body up to 400 pounds and another one can go up to 500 pounds. the detective said that the woman would probably have to be buried and not cremated just for that reason. plus, her family is too poor and can't afford a mortuary's services.
come to find out, the 60 year old woman has had to have someone physically care for her for the last 30 years because she had been to overweight to care for herself. she had a huge list of medical problems and barely left her house. my heart broke as i learned more and more about this woman because i could feel her pain. i can only imagine that at some point she just gave up - gave up all hope and gave up any idea of having any quality of life. i know i would have.
it was a hard thing for me to hear and one that made me happy that i decided to lose my weight instead of staying in my house and staying miserable. not to say that losing my weight has solved all of my problems - but now i no longer worry about getting sick and needing an ambulance. or worry about dying and not having a casket big enough. or any of those things i worried about all the time. now my worries are different but they still keep me up at night some nights.
okay, okay.....i promise the big news will come tomorrow. big news tomorrow, wednesday november 11th!!!
- Mood:
crazy
....a long, long way from my home.
still waiting to make sure things are going right before i make my big announcement....i'm pretty sure it will be by the end of the week. hold onto your hat folks!
after i got off work last night, went to the new boy's house for dinner. he was so sweet....he wanted to make sure that he didn't lead me astray eating wise so he sent me a text message early in the day asking if grilled chicken, homemade mashed potatoes and broccoli was acceptable. of course it was! we talked about my eating and i told him i'm trying to practice the "everything in moderation" theory. i said that i don't want my complete fear of food to mean that i miss out on life. i don't want to live that way. he was very sweet about it.
again i say that he's a good man - he's flawed like everyone but he's sweet and kind and funny. we had the same bizarre sense of reality and sense of humor. he's easy to talk to and fun to spend time with. i can honestly say that, as of right now, i'm not looking for the next great love of my life and i'm not looking to this man to be my whole world. what i have with him is.....simple and easy and comfortable. that's all i want right now. someone i can spend time with and talk to and not have to worry about what feelings are involved. i'm very honest with him when it comes to my life and we talk about our pasts. we both have skeletons in the closet and we have shared them with each other. i think that's a good foundation and a good start. so....we'll see. we'll see how it goes. we'll see what happens. and the pessimist in me says that we'll see what he does with my big, giant news.
consider this a makeup post for yesterday since i was out until 3:30 this morning. don't worry - no bad girl things happened! although (and i'm sorry if this offends anyone) i'm starting to go a little crazy from lack of sexual contact. talk about beating your head against a brick wall! *ahem*
i hope to post later today with something rather serious that happened. again, it's one of those things that i'm still processing and will burp it out for everyone when it's done digesting. mmmmmmm....yuck, right? :)
- Mood:
lethargic
thought i was getting sick at work last night but came home and slept over 9 hours. feel better today but am tired now. hoping to get 8 hours tonight so i can get a workout in before work tomorrow. skipping the gym tomorrow night after work in favor of cuddling on the sofa at new boy's house watching a movie while he feeds me a late dinner. yup...he's cooking for me! and i get to return the favor friday night before we go watch one of his friend's band. i'm trying to decide on my menu.
i have always been told that the way to a man's heart is through his stomach. so, holding to that tradition, i'm thinking i'll break out mama's cooking and grandma's recipes.....double-dipped fried chicken, homemade mashed potatoes and gravy, fresh green beans, and apple crisp. not sure yet and am totally open to suggestion here!
going home for thanksgiving in a little over two weeks....facing the reality that this could be my last thanksgiving with daddy. planning to make the best of it. his 71st birthday is this thursday. i cooked for him too.....homemade apple butter, beer bread, peach preserves, pumpkin butter. and of course got his favorite salt water taffy.
thought this was going to be a short pre-bed entry to get in my blog fulfillment of the day. it's turning out to be longer than i thought. but i'm ending it on this note........
prepare for the BIG announcement in the next few days. i have something huge to share!
love you guys.....
- Mood:
sleepy
i've been dealing with so much negative lately that finding a positive gets to be a little hard. i had positive today but am not really up for talking about it right now. i'm very tired and think i'm getting sick, which totally sucks. i have less than 3 hours left here at work and am hoping to go straight home and crash for at least 8 hours....we'll see how THAT goes.
- Mood:
grateful
June 28, 2004 - around 450 pounds....holding a 4 pound Cora
October 15, 2009 - around 180 pounds.....hugging a 70 pound CoraA picture really IS worth a thousand words....or 275 pounds!
- Mood: grateful
i freely admit to not having the healthiest relationship with food. all my life i've struggled with eating - what to eat, how much to eat, when to stop. i mean - a girl does not get to be 450 pounds by pure magic. eating has always been my fallback thing to do. i ate not just when i was hungry but when i was sad, happy, bored, angry, excited, tired, depressed. i ate whenever and wherever and whatever.
even though i've managed to lose my weight, i still have a very unhealthy relationship with food. except now i'm terrified of it! i struggle most days to eat the right thing and the right amount of it that i either eat way below my daily calories or way above. i'm scared that i'm going to develop an eating disorder and i figure that my only saving grace is the fact that i'm aware of my issues. does this mean that i will be able to prevent future food problems? am i going to struggle like this for the rest of my life? will it ever get any easier?
i half hope that one day i will wake up with no food issues and everything will have fallen into place while i sleep. but i know that won't happen. as i sit here writing this, i am well aware of the giant bowl of Halloween candy not 6 feet from me. it calls my name and i must deafen my ears to its cries. i am also well aware that every single person i work with is waiting for me to slip and fall. they are watching every single move i make. sadly, some of them are rooting for me to gain back all of my weight.
it's hell living with this burden. sometimes i wonder if losing all this weight was really worth all the hassle. would i be happier if i still weighed over 400 pounds? would my life be easier? would i have the food issues i have now?
as i prepare for the biggest step in my personal transformation, i have to face myself and deal with my issues. i have a hard road ahead of me and i need to make sure i am ready. because right now, after all i've been through and dealt with, i'm not. i'm terrified.
- Mood: anxious
Whenever you think that it would be funny or just smart-assey to say something about me going for the pretzels/chips/candy in the back of the room, stop and think before you open your mouth! Do you honestly think I don’t have enough issue with myself not bringing food to work and therefore falling prey to the pretzels that you have to say something? Did you really think that I would find it funny and that I wouldn’t be totally humiliated when you opened your big fat mouth in front of the entire room?!?!?!?!?!? NO! I DIDN’T THINK IT WAS FUNNY! I DIDN’T THINK IT WAS CUTE!!! AND I REALLY DIDN’T APPRECIATE YOU HUMILIATING ME IN FRONT OF EVERYONE!
What I really wanted to do was fire off something right back at you but it was pretty much all I could do to keep from crying….which is probably what you wanted anyway. But, thanks. Thanks for helping my food issues. Thanks for helping me lose my appetite. I’ll have this excess 10 pounds lost in the next two weeks thanks to your caring attitude and kind words.
- Mood:
pissed off
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cherokeeangel for the reminder that this is national blogging month....maybe i'll actually do better this month than i have been! actually, i think that writing about everything that has been happening will help me. we are slowly recovering from my brother-in-law's suicide. this past week definitely hasn't been pretty. i've been very, very angry these past few days but am trying to act like i'm not. it's exhausting trying to act normal all the time! time keeps marching on....life is continuing no matter how much i want things to just stop. i'm doing everything i can to maintain and get through with minimal amounts of crazy. i've found that, because my life has changed with my weight loss, my coping mechanisms must also change. in the past, i would have soothed my grief with food. now i WANT to soothe my grief with food but am not allowing myself to go down that path. instead i think i went the opposite way - i've been so afraid to eat and even more afraid to eat something WRONG that i'm either not eating or punishing myself when i do. i know it's not the healthiest thing to do but i'm trying really hard to find that balance.
i've been talking to a friend this week who has dedicated himself to my mental health. he's trying everything he can to keep me grounded - i get text messages, emails and phone calls from him every day. it's nice to know that SOMEONE out there seems to give a shit about whether or not i pull through all of this. yesterday he asked me in a dead serious voice if i was thinking of suicide...totally made me laugh but i get where he's coming from. i'm NOT suicidal.....i teeter between homicidal, apathetic, horrified, and devastated. it's exhausting trying to maintain....i'm totally exhausted!
today i'm at work trying to stay awake. didn't have a late night last night but i am just worn out. my head is killing me and my throat is hurting. does this mean i'm getting sick? or do i just need more sleep? i seem to have lots more to say but don't really have the energy to say it right now. i hope everyone understands....
- Mood:
tired
i am so completely devastated. and so ashamed of how i reacted that i can't even write it down here because i don't need any of my friends thinking less of me. my heart hurts, my stomach aches and i'm just......
- Mood:
crushed
not really in much of a mood to write at the moment.....will write more when i feel better.
- Mood:
nauseated
- Mood:
crappy
anyway, i went on the 2nd date with the aforementioned guy and it went as well as the first date. we did dinner and a movie and were out until almost 1 in the morning! things are progressing at a very slow pace, which is good. he kissed me twice but made no other serious moves than that. we've talked quite a bit since then and are planning on getting together again. not quite sure where all this will lead but, then again, i like the adventure!
not much else to report right now so i'll throw in a couple pictures from my friend's visit just as filler :)
( pictures.... )
- Mood:
restless
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