my boring-ass life

Mon, 04 Jan 2010 16:13:54 GMT

i have less than 5 weeks of work left before i'm off for 8 weeks. of course there's a craptastic load of overtime in there but at least i can see the light at the end of the tunnel. i'm just burnt out on work right now and am so glad i took this semester off!

i'm getting excited about heading home to illinois in february - can't wait to see my parents and my sisters (weird, huh?) and all my friends. of course there are a few friends i WISH i could see but it probably won't happen this time. maybe after my surgery *fingers crossed*

after the debacle that was yesterday's original photo, here's today. one of these days i'm going to be fully clothed when a picture is taken of me! lol - not that this one's bad, per se....i'm just trying to become truly comfortable in my present body before it changes again...

i know it looks like i'm crying or holding my head in my hands, but this is actually what i look like when i blow-dry my hair!

Mon, 04 Jan 2010 04:20:19 GMT

not much to say today. i'm at work and just want 9:00 to get here so i can go to the gym, then home and to bed! today hasn't been good or bad. it's just been...

please excuse me while i attach myself to my bed

Sat, 02 Jan 2010 19:16:33 GMT

i seriously did not want to get out of bed this morning! i went to bed at 10 last night, woke up at 7 this morning and went BACK to bed (after a quick bathroom trip) until 9:30. i suppose it has alot to do with the fact that new year's eve i only got three hours of sleep and i've been exhausted ANYWAY. but now i'm up and christmas has officially left my house....except for a few straggling ornaments for which i need to get a container, which i will do on my way to work today.

it's always somewhat of a letdown when christmas ends and all the pretty lights and decorations go away but this year i was ready for it all to go. i was ready for the holiday season to be over so i can concentrate on more important things. i have less than 7 weeks to go until my surgery. 7 weeks to acclimate myself to the fact that this is really happening! 7 weeks to work my ass off to be as physically fit as i can be before laying on that operating table, having 30-40 pounds of crap removed, and being unable to exercise heavily for 8 weeks. O_o

i bought a cheap pair of sheets at goodwill yesterday....they're not a dark color but they'll do. plus they were only $6. i don't want to ruin any of my good sheets with blood and ick. i also looked at all the front-zip dresses and gowns but couldn't bring myself to buy one. i really don't want to walk around for 10 days wearing old lady clothes. *sigh* but i guess i'm going to have to get a couple since it's what my doctor recommends. if anyone laughs at me, i am punching them in the face!

this is my bed....it will be my bestest friend very soon. this is my cat, gaby. she hates me sometimes :)

365 days of....oh my god!

Sat, 02 Jan 2010 06:00:28 GMT

thank you to all of you who posted such encouraging things on my first picture for my 365 project. i never really saw myself as vulnerable but when i looked at that picture through your eyes, i saw it. for at least the first month of this project, i am planning on taking very candid pictures of myself in an effort to document this body before it changes drastically. i actually took a naked side photo and naked front photo tonight - no faces, nothing obscene - but i'm not sure if i'm ready to show that. i will eventually post it before my surgery...just don't know when. this is my way of helping myself deal with my body issues. i plan on posting pictures after my surgery as well....i'm going to try to explain to my best friend why i want the pictures and then i will show her my project so far to get her input. should be interesting :)

Fri, 01 Jan 2010 23:48:52 GMT

happy new year everyone! here's to a great 2010 for all of you! i hope you guys got to ring in this year doing everything you wanted to do. i'm not really in the mood to write now but, as promised, i am doing the 365 project in 2010 - which i think is completely fitting! today is, obviously, my first picture. i think it's a doozy! i hope it doesn't offend anyone

the beginning of the end. in less than 7 weeks this skin will all be gone!

be with you is like being low

Tue, 29 Dec 2009 00:32:39 GMT

i'm just a little low today. when i'm at work, i feel like i'm on the outside looking in. my co-workers are huddled together having low volume conversations that make me feel really paranoid. i try not to let it affect me but it does...

i also found out (through the grapevine of course) that a direct co-worker who used to be one of my best friends got engaged over christmas. we work together every single day but are no longer friends. why? i have no idea. i can only surmise that it's because of my weight loss. i've lost tons and tons of weight while she's gained. i don't think i've ever rubbed anything in and i still get baffled sometimes when i think about the friends i've lost.

so, yeah, i'm a little sad today and feeling a little lost. *sigh*

hip hop hooray!

Mon, 28 Dec 2009 00:29:23 GMT

I stepped on the scale this morning and was so pleasantly thrilled to find that the number started with a "1" again! i somehow managed to make it through the holiday season losing weight instead of gaining it! granted, i did indulge a few times (had a few cookies, some cheesy dip, a couple pieces of chocolate) but i didn't go crazy. i managed to lose 12 pounds during the month of december. *yay!!!*

only 6 weeks of work left until i leave for my 8 week surgery sabbatical. i'm starting to get ready. and i'm beginning to get excited. in 8 weeks my leftover skin will be gone and i will be in a *tremendous* amount of pain. but it will be worth it!

because i'm tired and bored...

Sat, 26 Dec 2009 01:39:55 GMT

1. Elaborate on your default icon.
it's me and cora, the doggers. i'm going through a "porn hair" phase....it's been about 8 months so i think i need a new one

2. What's your current relationship status?
too effed up for words

3. Ever have a near-death experience?
yes....was mauled and nearly killed by a dog at age 3, had heart problems at age 22, had a gun pulled on me at age 18

4. Name an obvious quality you have.
i do too much for others

5. What's the name of the song that's stuck in your head right now?
"you're a mean one, mr. grinch"

6. Name a celebrity you would marry.
anthony edwards or bruce willis

7. Who will cut and paste this first?
no one probably

8. Has anyone ever said you look like a celebrity?
yes but i don't really think i look like anyway

9. Do you wear a watch? What kind?
i don't wear a watch....don't own one either!

10. Do you have anything pierced?
5 holes in one earlobe, 3 in the other, my right traega, my left nostril....will be getting my belly button done post-surgery

11. Do you have any tattoos?
an ankh on my right shoulder blade, a lizard on my upper right thigh, a dragonfly on the top of my left foot

12. Do you like pain?
i like naughty pain :) and for some reason the pain that comes with getting a tattoo....i kinda dig on that

13. Do you like to shop?
yes!!!!

14. What was the last thing you paid for with cash?
paid for dinner last nght

15. What was the last thing you paid for with your credit card?
my plane ticket home for february

16. Who was the last person you spoke to on the phone?
work related? someone reporting a vehicle accident....personally? my number 2

17. What is on your desktop background?
a christmas photo of me and the boy (???? is he the boy???)

18. What is the background on your cell phone?
a pretty pretty picture of my sleeping cora

19. Do you like redheads?
well........i AM a redhead and i like myself (most of the time!)

20. Do you know any twins?
i do actually! i had breakfast with the cutest 3-month old twins ever this morning! one of them fell asleep in my arms and stayed there for 2 hours!

21. Do you have any weird relatives?
i think most of my relatives are weird....my oldest sister, my cousin who thinks it's funny to trick me into eating deer...

22. What was the last movie you watched?
watched part of night at the museum last night

23. If you had $100 to spare, who would you give it to?
me!!!!

24. What was your favorite book as a child?
charlotte's web

scars remind us that the past is real.....

Wed, 23 Dec 2009 22:02:20 GMT

things in my life are changing in an odd way recently. as you may or may not know, i said goodbye to the boy a few months ago and was casually dating other people but dropped out of the whole dating scene to focus on myself. well.....i haven't ever NOT talked with the boy in all this time. we've communicated casually and would get together for lunch every once in a great while. he was such a huge part of my life for so long that not having him there with me would be like amputating a limb. i truly, truly loved this man and still do. my reasons for saying goodbye to that part of our relationship were intensely personal and horrendously huge. but deep inside i hope that he will become the man i need him to be. will he? i'm not sure. but he remains one of my closest friends.

lately we've been talking every day. we talk about life, our jobs, our families, and ourselves. we talk about my upcoming surgery and recovery. he's promised that he will be there for me as much as possible given that he has this really stupid hectic job. this man has been there for me from almost the very beginning. i weighed around 375 pounds when we met and he has been there during my entire weight loss. he's fond of saying that he loved me big and he loves me small. because he sees the person inside and not the person outside. he hopes that by having this surgery i will finally be able to see myself the way everyone else sees me.
sometimes it's very hard to have such intensely personal conversations with someone that you're not with-with. this man is the last person (besides me) who has seen me naked. i honestly don't know when i will feel comfortable with another human being seeing my naked body. because once the skin is gone, the scars will be there. and i know they will fade with time. but they will still be there. and i'm sure they will embarrass me to a certain extent. hopefully i can turn them into proud battle scars that i will wear proudly. because they certainly do show how far i've come...

tear my heart open, sew myself shut. my weakness is that i care too much. the scars remind us that the past is real.

party like it's 2009...

Wed, 23 Dec 2009 04:03:47 GMT

1. What did you do in 2009 that you'd never done before? i got down to my lowest weight EVER as an adult, rode a motorcycle for the first time, got on top ;)

2. Did you keep your New Years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year? looking back at my journal, i said that in 2009 i wanted to do loooooots of stuff! i did most of what i wanted (lost the rest of my weight, bought the cannondale, doing more yoga. i didn't get my finances under control but that will happen in 2010. i did lose more friends but i'm hoping THAT trend has ended! something i've found is no matter how much i care, some people are just assholes. i'm not sure if i will make resolutions for 2010 but i know it's going to be another life-changing year!

3. Did anyone close to you give birth? yes - my friend sara had beautiful twin boys on september 13th!

4. Did anyone close to you die? my ex-brother-in-law died in october. i miss him terribly

5. What countries did you visit? Just the USA!

6. What would you like to have in 2010 that you lacked in 2009? more financial security....more me-time

7. What date(s) from 2009 will remain etched upon your memory, and why? october 25th - the date my ex-brother-in-law killed himself and the date i got the money for my surgery. april 5th - the day i hit 185 pounds.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year? hitting my goal weight and buying sonya the cannondale

9. What was your biggest failure? losing friends without realizing that i lost them :(

10. Did you suffer illness or injury? just a couple colds during the year and a pulled muscle in my hip

11. What was the best thing you bought? the cannondale!!!!! i heart her!

12. Whose behavior merited celebration? mine - for not killing anyone!

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed? nikki's

14. Where did most of your money go? bills, the ex-husband (thank god THAT'S over!), and new, smaller clothes

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about? my surgery!!!!!

16. What song will always remind you of 2009? just one song? there are so many! i'm yours by jason mraz...empire state of mind by jay-z....looks like love by needtobreathe....so many songs and i can't think of any of them!

17. Compared to this time last year, are you: i. Happier or sadder? most definitely happier. ii. Thinner or fatter? thinner (thank goodness!) iii. Richer or poorer? about the same unfortunately

18. What do you wish you'd done more of? take more time for myself....more time off and less overtime - that WILL happen in 2010!

19. What do you wish you'd done less of? complain, be needy and clingy

20. How will you be spending Christmas? i'm spending christmas morning having brunch with friends and christmas evening at work....very low-key

21. How will you be spending New Year's Eve? i can't say - it's a secret!

22. Did you fall in love in 2009? i did....and i still am

23. How many one-night stands? so many i lost count...just kidding! none!

24. What was your favorite TV program? glee

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year? i don't hate ANYONE - i just have people whose presence i prefer not to acknowledge

26. What was the best book you read? i've read so many books but one of the best was the opposite of love by julie buxbaum

27. What was your greatest musical discovery? alexi murdoch!!!! brent dennen!!! needtobreathe!!!

28. What did you want and get? i wanted the cannondale and i got it.

29. What did you want and not get? my surgery, though i'm getting it in february. my journey ring, which i will get AFTER the surgery when the journey is TRULY complete

30. What was your favorite film of this year? i'm not sure but i definitely loved the hangover!

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you? i turned 33 on my birthday, october 22nd (funny - i don't feel 33!) and spent the evening quietly with the boy

32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying? not stressing about money - not caring about what other people thought of me

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2009? 2009 was the year i stopped shopping at plus-size stores and could start shopping anywhere i want! i shop at goodwill alot and am having lots of fun finding my own style. i'm dressing in cute clothes that hide my belly :( i'm definitely branching out - wearing shorter skirts with knee-high boots and wearing lots of things that show off my legs. i'm definitely dressing sexier and classier

34. What kept you sane? my number 2, richie - he helps alot

35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most? ? bruce willis!!!!

36. What political issue stirred you the most? the whole same-sex marriage thing - why shouldn't gays and lesbians be allowed to get married?????? WTF california?

37. Who did you miss? my parents, my best friends, my boy

38. Who was the best new person you met? cici - she's been so wonderful to me

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2009. no matter how much you care, some people are still assholes!

40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year: "take another step don’t give up on me just yet"

well, well, well.....

Mon, 21 Dec 2009 02:22:43 GMT

THERE you are! welcome back, sex drive! i've really, really, really, really missed you!

bah humbug

Fri, 18 Dec 2009 20:09:57 GMT

tired and moderately cranky today. i officially want christmas to be over! not that i'm not in the christmas spirit....i'm just ready to move on to other things. i'm drastically reducing my holiday baking budget from what would have been a full-day affair to a few different types of bread and cookies. i'm just not in the mood for it anymore. is it january 2nd already?

well, duh!

Sun, 13 Dec 2009 17:48:53 GMT

no wonder i passed out friday. and no wonder i was exhausted yesterday and eating anything that wasn't nailed down. and no wonder i'm tired today.

welcome, auntie flo. did you realize that i forgot you were coming this month? did you really have to make me faint in public? you seem crankier than usual this month...is everything okay? have the holidays gotten to you? is there anything i can do to make your visit a little easier and less painful?

f. m. l. *head desk*

christmas really brings me to my knees

Sat, 12 Dec 2009 16:52:07 GMT

literally....god how embarrassing!

went shopping yesterday because i wanted to go to one of my favorite stores ever, ulta. the closest one is by the san francisco airport so cora and i hopped in the car yesterday morning and took a drive. i went to ulta and got what i wanted (aromatherapy dog for my surgery - $9 when they're $30 on amazon!) and i decided to wander around the giant mall for a little bit. there was a barnes & noble next to ulta and i needed to go to the bathroom so that was my first destination.

walked into b&n and started getting a little warm. i went downstairs via escalator, went to the bathroom and as i was standing up from the toilet, my world started to spin. i grabbed ahold of the bar on the wall (now i know what those things are for! lol) and waited for everything to pass. no biggie. walked out of the bathroom, got hot again, and my world closed in on me again. and down i went. right in the middle of the young adult section. slid right to the floor. how embarrassing!

somehow i convinced employees *not* to call an ambulance, got someone to bring me some juice and sat on the floor while my blood sugar came back to the normal range. this has happened to me twice before and both times i got really hot and dehydrated. ironically, both times i was in public and was with someone. unfortunately this time i was alone. so i had to walk around the mall for 30 minutes with a total stranger to make sure i was okay enough to get in the car and drive home by myself. of course my first instinct was to call the ex-boy and of course his phone went straight to voicemail. i wanted to cry. and i did.

but i made it home. stopped in san francisco to grab a quick bite to eat and walked around lush for a few minutes. loaded up on face mask (santa'a rice porridge - yummmmmm!), snow fairy shower gel, sugar scrub, and another eman on bubble bar. by that time i was feeling completely normal, if not totally exhausted. was home by 3 yesterday afternoon and in my pajamas by 4. spent the night by myself watching tv and eating. today i feel just fine, if not a little tired. i have to be at work at 2 and need to run by borders to pick up a special order, then the library to return a book. i have my food ready and will make sure to eat something more than a smoothie this morning. i have to take care of myself over the next two months.....surgery is just around the corner!

questions i really want to ask...but am too afraid

Thu, 10 Dec 2009 17:44:51 GMT

am i going to have a flat stomach? are you going to get rid of ALLLLLLL that skin? will i be able to look down and see my *ahem* looking back at me or am i still going to have a pooch?

i've looked at so many before and after pictures but none of them seem to quite compare to what i have going on here. it scares me. it scares me to death.

i'm thinking of doing a surgery filter because i'm going to be posting some of my own "before" shots and i don't want to gross out anyone with the amount of skin i have. do you guys want me to do a filter and, if so, do you want to be included? i really don't want to offend anyone by showing pictures of my stomach but i think if i have something i can look at even when i'm dressed it will help...

Tue, 08 Dec 2009 16:34:45 GMT

I feel so completely crappy right now....went to bed Saturday night just fine and woke up Sunday morning with a wicked sore throat. Now it is morphing into a great cold. I'm so happy. I've been going to work anyway because I just cannot use any of my sick time until February...even if it means going to work with a fever and feeling like someone has run me over. Some of the girls at work are giving me crap about it but I don't care - I got this from work in the first place! I don't feel BAD bad....I just have no energy or appetite. Which means that I'm not losing weight because I'm not eating very much each day. So my body is desperate to conserve all the fat it can....which means that the 198 I saw on the scale last week is back up to 200. I'm trying not to freak out about the numbers because I know they will go down again once I'm feeling better. I'm still trying to exercise but it's hard to do when you can't breathe out your nose!

I'm mailing Christmas cards and packages this week so those of you who have shared your address will be getting something in the mail soon! I hope everyone is well and not feeling like I am! I've decided that 2010 will be the year I do a 365 photo project....it seems wildly appropriate, don't you think?

Tue, 08 Dec 2009 04:34:06 GMT

I am going to fail my Research Psychology class and I don't even care. Wow.

man in the mirror

Thu, 03 Dec 2009 16:59:08 GMT

i've started taking pictures of my body...not full-on candid naked shots but pictures of random body parts. yesterday i was standing in front of the bathroom mirror (naked, yes) and had my foot up on the sink. i was completely overtaken by the sight of calf muscles and major definition. so i ran out of the bathroom (still naked), grabbed my camera and went back to try to capture the sight on camera. it didn't come out as well as i had hoped but gave me the idea to take pictures of my body so i can really see the changes and compare them to what i used to be. i figure it will help with the whole surgery process because i'm worried after surgery i'm going to be even more body dysmorphic than i am now!

she's making a list, checking it twice (at least)

Wed, 02 Dec 2009 04:18:20 GMT

i've started my checklist of things to buy and/or do before my surgery. i'm sure as things come to me, i will be adding them to the list. also, if anyone has any additions to add, feel free! i'm taking all the advice and help i can get!

to buy

bed tray (like the one on amazon)
big lounge pillow (again, like amazon's)
compression hose, thigh high
loose dresses, nightgowns, pj pants, sweatpants, yoga pants (try goodwill first!)
sheets for bed (try goodwill since they are more than likely going to be ruined)
cushions for dining room chairs and desk chair (goodwill again)
chicken broth, soup, jello
elevated food dishes for cora

to do

find someone to clean the house and do a giant cleaning before the surgery
physical with doctor & gynecologist
make & freeze food
pedicure (just because you're laid up doesn't mean the feet have to be gross!)
get hair done
see judy
book flight to illinois
book return flight from illinois & book angela on the same flight
book angela's return flight
book rental car
book cora into camp bow wow for time in illinois and initial time after surgery until drains removed
book hotel in napa for night of surgery
take before pictures - on my own and at the doctor's office

farewell to old friends

Wed, 02 Dec 2009 02:01:25 GMT

let's say hello to the bitter end....

i had to make a cake for a co-worker's birthday celebration at work today. since we all have our preferences listed on a sheet that hangs on a bulletin board, i knew my co-worker loves chocolate with chocolate frosting. i found a recipe for a bundt cake called "death by chocolate" and made it sunday night when i got home from work. while stirring the batter and putting chocolate chips into said batter, i came to a realization. i don't much like chocolate anymore.

what?!?!?!?!?!?!

i

don't

like

chocolate

anymore

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

it's the strangest thing ever. i used to looooove chocolate and would eat it whenever possible. now? now it tastes icky to me. even today when i was cutting the cake, i loved the smell but took a little bite and confirmed it.

i don't like chocolate.

i think i'm going to faint. maybe it's just chocolate cake i don't like. i had hot chocolate just last week (wasn't really impressed) and had dark chocolate recently (still wasn't impressed). and i've never really been a huge fan of chocolate ice cream. holy crap. what a revelation.....

i hate chocolate.

Tue, 01 Dec 2009 06:32:59 GMT

i'm at work waiting for my shift to end....just 30 more minutes and i can wrap up this 12 hour day! just finished reading a pretty decent book called permission slips by sheri shepherd - you know, the woman who's on the view? it was pretty funny. she talks alot about how women need to give themselves permission to fail and permission to screw things up. i'm going to try to take her advice to heart.

i did something today that i haven't done in a long time.....i prayed. honest-to-god got down on my knees and prayed. i prayed for clarity. i prayed for peace. i prayed for strength to get through the next few months. i prayed for help. i prayed for my anxiety to lessen. did it help? i don't know yet. do i feel a little bit better? yes. i feel like i'm not in this alone. i don't feel like that often.

permission slips

Mon, 30 Nov 2009 03:04:06 GMT

i've decided to give myself permission to cause ripples in my life. i'm no longer going to apologize for making changes that are good for me but bad for someone else. i've been silently apologizing for losing weight and at the same time sabotaging myself. since hitting my lowest weight ever of 185, i have put on 15 pounds. i hover right around 200. seeing that 2 on the scale instead of the 1 makes my heart hurt. consistently seeing that number made me realize that i'm doing what everyone hopes i will. i'm gaining weight, slowly but surely.

i have surgery in less than 3 months. my plan is to be back down to 185 by the time i go home on february 10th. i have set up small goals that are totally attainable. i will be under 195 by the end of december. on january 1st, i am going back on my liquiet diet until a few days before my surgery. my philosophy for this is simple: my doctor says the last thing i'm going to want to do for at least a week is eat. i will be eating jello and soup and will pretty much be on a liquid diet for a while after surgery. i will probably also lose a few pounds as a result. therefore, i want to train my body to get used to the liquid diet before my surgery so my body doesn't think i'm starving it on top of everything else.

the next few months are going to be excrutiating for me. i have so much to do to prepare and i'm totally not used to focusing so much on myself. i am voluntarily dropping out of the dating game until i am healed. i broke things off with the new boy on friday. i just wasn't feeling it. so why should i have to devote energy and time to something i could honestly care less about? i need to focus everything on me and not add another human being, especially someone who is virtually a stranger, into the mix. now all i need to do is limp my way through the last two weeks of classes so i can really focus on me.

the waiting is definitely going to be the worst for me. while i wait, i think and worry and stew. and have the strangest fucking dreams EVER! i guess since i can't picture yself without this skin, my psyche has decided to mess with me. i dream that i have the surgery but it doesn't take or she does the wrong procedure. or i have the correct surgery but my incisions open and i bleed everywhere. it makes me more nervous than i already am! this is going to take forever, isn't it?

aaahhhhhh.....the big letdown

Sat, 28 Nov 2009 01:51:24 GMT

thanksgiving was nothing special this year. relaxing in the morning while doing a shitload of baking before delivering cookies to some of the deputies, heading to walmart, and going in to work for a few hours last night. it was an easygoing day but kind of lonely at the same time. i talked alot with friends and family but there was no one here to have fun with me while i was baking. i miss the boy. i miss him alot on days like that. he called me yesterday morning on his way to work and we talked sporadically throughout the day. it was good and fun and effortless.

i got up sort of early this morning and headed out to kohl's, where i treated myself to a 1/4 carat pair of diamond earrings ($30!!!!), a new handbag, and a few other minor things. basically today was me christmas shopping for me. i spent way more than i intended but i think i'm good, money wise. i got a new coat at old navy ($39 for a $100 coat!) and a new wallet for $4! i love it when stuff like that happens. i'm pretty much finished christmas shopping anyway....got a few minor things left to get for friends but it's all good. i needed to just veg out and take care of myself today.

today was the last shopping i will be doing in a very long time. i looked at my finances when i got home and oof! money is gonna be seriously tight until after my surgery. 3 months....i've survived on less for longer. as long as i'm smart with my money, i'll be just fine. i've got a plane ticket to pay for for angela, a rental car to pay for when i go home in february, and boarding for cora while i'm gone and for the first week after my surgery.

i'm really starting to look at things and decide what needs to be done and what's going to happen. the more i think about it, the more my stomach knots up and my throat starts to close. i'm anxious and scared and i just wish the next 3 months would fly by. i want christmas to be over so i don't have to worry about gifts and money and presents and all that shit. i wonder what my family and friends would say if i took all the presents back and said that this year, i'm sending my love and good karma. christmas is supposed to be about that anyway and not gifts. it's supposed to be about friends and family and love and devotion and hope and happiness and peace. i could use some of that right now....

it's the most wonderful time of the year

Mon, 23 Nov 2009 23:56:45 GMT

yes, it's that time again....christmastime!

i love my friends and i love cards. so.....if you would like to get a christmas card from me, please comment with your address (i've screened the comments).

Mon, 23 Nov 2009 06:54:53 GMT

You know how sometimes people on your friends-list post about stuff going on in their life, and all of a sudden you think "Wait a minute? Since when were they working THERE? Since when were they dating HIM/HER? Since when???" And then you wonder how you could have missed all that seemingly pretty standard information, but somehow you feel too ashamed to ask for clarification because it seems like info you should already know? It happens to all of us sometimes.

Please copy the topics below, erase my answers and put yours in their place, and then post it in your journal! Please elaborate on the questions that would benefit from elaboration. One-Word-Answers seldom help anyone out.

1. First Name: donna. thankfully my dad stepped in when it was time to put a name down on my birth certificate since my mom wanted to name me amy. i'm not against the name amy - i just know so many girls named amy! i don't know many donnas so that makes me feel a little more....special

2. Age: I'm 33. I honestly don't feel 33. I feel younger now than I did when i was 23. i'm definitely happier now and healthier - i guess both have alot to do with it.

3. Location: Sebastopol, CA - about 45 miles north of San Francisco in "wine country". I grew up in Sullivan, IL and have been here in California 7 1/2 years. I'm not quite sure if I'll spend the rest of my life here but for now it's okay. I think about going back east sometimes but I love it here.

4. Occupation: 911 dispatcher for a Sheriff's Department. I've been in law enforcement for 13 years and most days love what I do. I've seen the best and worst of people, usually the worst. I'm extremely jaded and becoming increasingly pessimistic about the human race. I love the deputies I work with but not so much my immediate co-workers. Women are hateful, spiteful, cruel creatures.

5. Partner?: Not really. I am dating someone but it's nowhere near what I would call serious. I was once married and divorced almost 4 years ago. I had a boy, called "the boy" in past blogs, and we were together off and on for a long time. I recently broke it off for various reasons but it makes my heart hurt to think about him. I still love him very much and can't help but hold out a little hope that he will do what he needs to do so we can get back together. But....in the meantime, I date. I date someone who is nothing like the boy except for his love of food and cooking. I know right now that it will not last.

6. Kids: None and I won't be having any (biologically, anyway). It's a long story filled with two miscarriages, massive weight gain, massive weight loss, and the probability that my body could not handle the stress of carrying a child. If I seem a little callous about it - it's only because I know it won't happen and I'm working hard to get accustomed to that.

7. Brothers/Sisters: I have two older sisters, both of whom still live in Illinois - within 30 minutes of my parents. While I love them alot, half the time I want to strangle one or both of them. We were raised by the same parents and in the same way but somewhere along the way, I turned out differently. Both of my sisters are lazy and they complain about everything they DON'T have. My oldest sister is 14 years older than me and we don't have much in common at all. She thinks i should still be 5 years old and she can't reconcile herself with the person i am now. she thinks i'm a bitch who thinks i'm better than everyone else. my other sister is 5 years older than i am. we grew up sharing a room and fighting for our parents' affection. she won my mom's love and i'm a total daddy's girl. she resents me for lots of things that i have no control over. i just wish she would grow up and take responsibility for her life. it's a soap opera - there's no way around it!

8. Pets: I have one dog, Cora, and one cat, Gaby. I used to have two cats but my beloved kitty Oatmeal died in August. So now it's just us three girls hanging out here at the house. Both pets sleep with me every night and try to push me out of my bed. My friends call Cora special as in "i need a helmet so i don't hurt myself when i walk down the street". i say she's just easily excited and easily distracted - like me!

9. List 3-5 biggest things going on in your life right now:
1. I'm in the slow process of changing careers. I switched majors in college from Psychology to Nutrition and am on the long road to becoming a registered dietician. This is being setback even further due to.....
2. My upcoming surgery on February 25th. I'm having a circumferential abdominoplasty because I've lost 275 pounds in the last 2 1/2 - 3 years. I'm terrified and will continue to document everything before, during, and after the surgery.
3. Maintaining my weight loss. This is going to be a constant, life-long struggle. I have major issues with food and self-esteem and I am working hard to resolve those. It's just something that doesn't happen overnight.
4. Work. Work is always going to be a huge and stressful part of my life. I work at least 45-50 hours each week and am hoping to slow it down after the first of the year.

10. Parents: My parents, Joe and Linda, are both in their early 70s. My daddy was diagnosed with Alzheimers' last year and colon cancer just a few months ago. He is currently refusing treatment for both and I am doing everything I can to face the fact that he is ready to die. I am just not ready to let him go - he is my hero, my major source of strength, and one of my very best friends. My mom is wheelchair bound and has been for about 4 years now. She struggles with diabetes and has major kidney problems. We are facing the inevitability of dialysis and kidney failure. She refuses to let me get tested to see if i could give her a kidney. So it would seem that i will more than likely be an orphan in the next 5-10 years. i'm not ready.

11. Who are some of your closest friends?:
- My very best friend, Angela, has been my best friend for over 20 years. She still lives in Illinois and I don't get to see her as much as I'd like. She will be taking care of my after my surgery. We have the kind of friendship where you don't have to speak to communicate.
- Richard, or "number two" as he is referred to here in my blog. He makes me laugh, lets me cry and keeps me sane. I love him
- Sam, who listens and never hesitates to throw in his 2 cents. He likes to make me laugh by telling me sex jokes. It usually works.
- Brandi, who is a constant source of inspiration and hope. She helps me keep things in perspective and shares my immense love of all things lush and philosophy!
- There are so many other people out there who influence me and help me see things through. Some of you I have never met face to face but I still consider you my friends - you guys are awesome!

Just to make things more interesting: got a question for me? Something you've always wondered, or always wanted to know about me? Or just a random question about anything in my life? ASK IT!